I am currently recovering from a period of intense flare ups and slipped discs. It’s been a rough few month’s but i’m glad to be on the mend. Meditation has improved my mental state and light exercise,like walking, has helped heal my spine. Now i’m just back to dealing with CPS pain. It’s painful but the familiar pain which we do get used to on some level

This has always been, for me, a difficult subject to address. Because it has caused me such guilt as a father to young daughters. When my step daughter Frankie was young I would always take her out at the weekend for daddy/daughter time. Usually a trip to the park which she loved. Looking back now it was time I took for granted.

Up until now I have, for the most, been able to keep my lower back pain to manageable levels. The naproxen and baclofen have helped to calm my back spasms. On Saturday I had to get some stuff out of the attic, a menial job that took only minutes. It required some twisting and turning, movements that were enough to trigger a flare up of burning pain in my spine and lumber region, spreading to my legs. It has been a debilitating few days. I am unable to work and have spent most of my time led on my back.

CPS doesn't just touch the life of the sufferer. It touches the lives of all involved. From friends, partners to children it is an illness that brings fierce mis-understanding and changes the dynamics of work and home-life.It also brings suspicion. My closes friend suggested to my wife that I was using the pain as an excuse to to get out of work and take drugs. I was devastated on hearing this and it was so far from the truth. If you know me, or have read my book you will know that supporting my family, financially and emotionally are my number one priorities.

As much as I resent the monster at times, in a way I have got used to my pain. Over the last few years I have learned what aggravates it. I have found new ways to manage it and have got better at mentally dealing with it through acceptance.

I have lately had a bad run of pain which in turn has affected my mental health. I have turned inwards on myself and have suffered from getting lost in the negativity of my thoughts. It’s a difficult situation for me to get into. As a husband and father I have to be present in their lives but when I'm flaring all I can think about is riding out the storm. Depression sneaks in when my pain is ramped up. Everything becomes a struggle. It makes it even more Important to take care of myself when I'm feeling disconnected.

Highs and lows are inevitable. As are stressful event's that we don't see coming and can tip us off balance. As a recovered alcoholic I need to live my life with a specific set of principles, love patience and tolerance must be at the centre of my life. I cannot afford to harbour anger or resentment, they are metaphysical forces that have caused all sorts of havoc in the past. They were the cause of my mental health disorders and forced me to seek relief in the bottle. I eventually crossed the line into chronic alcoholism. Thankfully I recovered eight years ago and haven't touched a drop since.

Here in the UK it is mental health awareness week so I thought I would drop a post on a subject close to my heart. I have a chequered history of mental health issues including depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I was a prolific self harmer as a younger man and also battled with with alcoholism well into my mid thirties. Long before CPS came along.

I've had a difficult time of late with flare ups, ever since my hospital admission for a suspected stroke. Thankfully it wasn't. I am grateful all the tests came in clear and that I am healthy other than having Central Pain Syndrome. I have felt defeated and with low moods have struggled with home-life. But enough of complaining.

Depression seems synonymous with pain. From my own experience, depression has reared it’s ugly head a few times on my pain journey. Mostly in the earlier years of CPS. But also more recently. It’s not just the pain that has caused my depression. The secondary issues such as financial problems and relationship issues have all contributed to the black dog. Losing friends and the strain on my marriage has ground me down to the point I have felt hopeless and useless. Being in varying levels of pain around the clock is punishing at times. Flare ups twist my mind into frustration and fear. Even with meditation and medications I sink into despair. I’ve gone from a hard working man to someone who had to accept charity to feed my children when I was off work for months undergoing tests and finding the right medications. It was all a recipe for depression.