Life goes on
I've had a difficult time of late with flare ups, ever since my hospital admission for a suspected stroke. Thankfully it wasn't. I am grateful all the tests came in clear and that I am healthy other than having Central Pain Syndrome. I have felt defeated and with low moods have struggled with home-life. But enough of complaining.
The thing with being beaten is that I can't stay down for long. I have to pick myself up and get back into the stream of life. I have to work to support my family and have jobs to do at home. Feeling on the edge of depression can make daily duties feel like a weight to carry when all I want to do is rest.
As I have said before I am a father to 4 year old triplets and a 14 year old. They are all hard work at times, especially the trio. They have boundless energy and need refereeing constantly. The only break I get is when they go to bed by which point I'm physically drained and my pain levels are rising.
I am feeling more positive this last few days, meditation has pulled me out of the inner conflicts I have been experiencing. When I get lost in self pity I become no use to man nor beast. I have also has some answers concerning the cause of Central pain syndrome which has helped join the dots. After my recent medical assessment the doctor has confirmed that my CPS was triggered by the whiplash injury I suffered in 2018. It's good to get clarification and to know what happened to me to trigger this punishing disorder.
We are officially now in Autumn in the UK and September has been day after day of glorious sunshine. It's been great to take my girls out riding on their bikes in the afternoon. Last weekend we went to a family party on the beach. It was much needed family time. The girls built sandcastles and paddled in the sea. I love being by the water. I always feel a sense of peace standing at the waters edge. We all had a great time.
There are two certainties in my life. One, that my CPS is going nowhere, and secondly that life must go on. I have to accept that someday's will be better than others and that my family need me present and involved as much as possible. Pain is now just a part of my life. I need to accept that and recognise my limitations, not always easy with kids needing attention but next week they begin school full time which means I will finally get some free time for the first time in four years. I can’t wait to refocus on the things that are important to me such as writing. I can also begin a program of self care and get back to swimming and doing things that help me feel a shred of normality.