Depression & pain
Depression seems synonymous with pain. From my own experience, depression has reared it’s ugly head a few times on my pain journey. Mostly in the earlier years of CPS. But also more recently.
It’s not just the pain that has caused my depression. The secondary issues such as financial problems and relationship issues have all contributed to the black dog. Losing friends and the strain on my marriage has ground me down to the point I have felt hopeless and useless.
Being in varying levels of pain around the clock is punishing at times. Flare ups twist my mind into frustration and fear. Even with meditation and medications I sink into despair. I’ve gone from a hard working man to someone who had to accept charity to feed my children whilst off work undergoing tests and finding the right medications. It was all a recipe for depression.
What followed CPS was a lack of intimacy with my wife. I was in all consuming pain and any physical excursion caused flare ups. It created a real problem. My wife was left feeling unloved. I couldn't pay any Attention to my marriage and struggled with dealing with my children. I was struggling as a husband and father and it was killing me.
I did my best to shrug off the darkness but it was defeating me. I suffered from intrusive thoughts and suicide ideation when I was at my lowest. It’s hard to think I sunk so low from where I was before CPS.
Image Credit: ©Kelsey Rein
I’m at the end of a flare up as I write this and it’s important how I take care of my state of mind. It can be difficult to see the positives in my life when I’m hurting but I am blessed with a beautiful family, I have a job and a roof over my head. My experience of faith reminds that there is always light in the stillness of meditation. That as long as I keep up my practice I have all I need to get through.
Faith and meditation have been the core source of my wellbeing. When I put these two thing's above all else I suffer less, no matter how low I sink in the myre of chronic pain. My wife also reminds me that flare ups don't last and that I need to just be patient. To not bite into the frustration of my situation.
It's not good for me to become so engrossed with myself that I miss what's happening in front of me. I don't like to become so self involved that I am failing in my duties as a father and husband so to make the shift back to mental wellness from the darkness is vital. A positive mental attitude can be hard to embrace whilst on a journey of pain. But with a commitment to healthy living and a meditation practice I don’t stay in the dark for long.
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