Brain fog and small talk

If you were to meet me in a social setting, one thing would become apparent other than my quietness. My lack of an ability to make small talk. Unless I am speaking on a subject I am well versed in such as mental health, alcoholism or CPS, I struggle at times with general chit-chat.

I have a diagnosis of Asbergers Syndrome which adds to my verbal awkwardness. But things have gotten much worse since CPS came along. Brain fog affects me regularly, that and difficulty in finding words and stringing a sentence together without mumbling. It's downright embarrassing at times.

It’s one of the reasons I enjoy writing so much. I can express myself much easier when I don't ’t have to put my mouth into gear.

Since CPS became a part of my life I have had to quit the job i’m trained to do because of my bad memory. That, and wearing a welding helmet was aggravating my trigeminal neuralgia pain. A neuropsychological assessment two years ago concluded I have a functional cognitive disorder as a direct result of being in pain. My brain - under pressure - no longer functions as it once did.

Image Credit: ©Kelsey Rein

It has created a little anxiety in social situations. My wife and daughter are now used to my cognitive problems. We joke about it often. like if I go to the supermarket to pick up one thing and come back with a completely different item. Or if I struggle to hold a conversation without drifting off and losing track of what it is we are talking about. Having a sense of humour helps a lot.

I am aware of it as much as I am the pain. Brain fog brings frustration, I now find myself keeping notes and dates in my phone as reminders. My wife also got a chalk board in the kitchen for me to make a note of any daily tasks she has for me. Another issue I had in the past was forgetting to take my medications, or worse double dosing. I now keep track of my medication schedule. I still occasionally forget to order them on time and end up suffering for it.

I have also noticed it when it comes to singing. I am a musician and vocalist. I used to learn song lyrics easily but now it takes a lot to learn a new song. I get there in the end but it takes much more focus and study. I am definitely slower when it comes to learning a new task. To the point I can get overwhelmed at times.

I am slowly learning to live with my new self. It isn't always an easy task. There is a real temptation to bite into resentment at my inability to mentally function as did before the accident. But for now I just take it a day at a time. Taking it easy on myself and walking this pain journey as best I can.

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