Beat by the weather

Image Credit: ©Kelsey Rein

As much as I can stay positive about my experience with CPS there are times I just get beat. It wears me down occasionally and it’s hard to see any positivity at all.

Spring time can be a test of endurance with CPS. I live in the UK and this season in particular has thrown me around all over the place. I feel like I'm going rounds with the weather. It can be hot and sunny one minute then raining down hailstones the next. It's playing havoc with my nervous system.

I have been finding life an uphill push of late. Its as though i’m going through the motions and little else. I feel detached from my surroundings and the heavy cloak of depression has been hanging over me.

A run of bad flare ups has mostly contributed to my agitation and low moods. I am also in the habit of lowering my meds when I'm on a good run of lower pain. Unmindful of the fact that it’s probably the meds that are working to keep my pain turned down. It's a roundabout of self induced suffering I am yet to step off.

Because of my meditation practice, I have always been cautious of taking mood altering drugs. I have so far managed to stick to anti-convulsant medications with baclofen and naproxen to work on my muscle spasms and lower back pain.

I had a real wrestle with myself when I first began taking meds. I experienced resentment and fear that I went from taking nothing to taking heavy medications. I did, after a while just accept the fact that some people just need to take meds. And that it was okay to do so.

As usual it is my family that are first to recognise a change in my mood. Sometimes it’s hard to have a sense of humour whilst under the lash of chronic pain. It becomes consuming and I become hyper sensitive, where I would usually take a joke. I don’t like sinking into these existential funks. They remind me of a darker time in my life where mental illness was prominent, and suffering mentally was a normal thing.

And that's ’s the difficulty I experience now with CPS. Nothing is normal about it. As sufferers, we walk our own paths though we share much in common. We must all find our own ways to cope with the monster. As much as I wished poor mental health to be a thing of the past I still find myself in a wilful struggle with my mind at times. With the nerve pain focused in my head and face I really feel like I am up against it.

So today I don’t feel overly positive, or conscious and connected. I just want to curl up in a ball and wait out the storm. It’s a stark awakening at times, and a reminder not to get too complacent. I’m just grateful I know myself well enough now to know that this feeling isn’t permanent, and better days always follow.

Thank God.

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