Guilt

Unless a person is suffering from chronic pain, it is hard to comprehend just how punishing it is. CPS sucks the life out of us at times and we experience the feelings of crushing defeat regularly. It often leaves us exhausted and without the motivation to do little else than just deal with the pain.

I experienced guilt from the day the pain began. Firstly it was from complaining constantly to my wife, then it was the day’s absent from work. I began losing money and struggled with a young family to support. I was being crippled with pain without a clue to what was happening to me.

I went from being fit and healthy to experiencing back spasms that put me on the floor and electric shock pains and burning in my face. It was a difficult situation to be in.

I began to feel like I was going mad. I was having flare ups at work and being driven to accident and emergency but with all test’s coming back fine. Invisible pain was taking over my life and I started to think people didn't believe me, or at least not understand the extent of my pain.

All this pressure took a toll on my mental health. I experienced guilt and frustration.

Image Credit: ©Kelsey Rein

When everything becomes an effort it's hard not to feel guilty. I kept trying to do the normal things I used to do like walking the dog, but would always experience flare ups when I did. I began to go in on myself because outwardly I was no longer the man my family had before. A diagnosis helped in a way because it was also proof to everyone that what I was experiencing was real.

I had to allow myself the space to come to terms with CPS without concerning myself of what other's thought of me. I was suffering enough without all the added guilt.

It became a journey of acceptance. I didn't need to feel bad about taking time out for myself. Even though my wife was still struggling with my new limitations I stopped resenting her for doing so. She was also experiencing loss and I had to let her come to terms with it in her own time. My priority became managing my mental and physical health, and doing my best to minimise flare ups and deal with the pain.

I still feel guilty occasionally. For example, when we make plans for trips out as a family there is always a part of me that doesn't want to go. But I understand my pain more now and can plan for the days after to relax and not feel guilty in doing so. My attitude now is that whatever I do I'm going to suffer, so it's just a case of planning ahead and making sure that I don't push myself too much.

I can still be the man my family needs even though life has changed so much. We have all had to adapt to my condition and when we put patience and understanding at the centre of our home, life becomes less of a struggle for all of us.

Questions or comments? Join the CPS patient conversation at our closed Facebook group or email us at info@cps.foundation